The Fault in Our Stars

Today, I watched the film The Fault in Our Stars.  I've never read the book and don't plan to, and before going into the film, I was skeptical that I would enjoy a movie, I personally saw as being directed towards teenage girls.  However, I was pleasantly surprised, and as a result, I've decided to write this blog post in response to this movie.

The movie seems to point towards this question of life and romance.   With life and romance, you also have death: death of our physical existence and death of love.  Just like how our bodies fail us sometimes, so do our relationships.  Intertwining these two things, life and romance, is the concept of time and ultimately, oblivion.  How long will we live?  How long will this relationship last?  It's also interesting how the movie returns intermittently to this concept of oblivion, portraying it as a possible outcome to the end of our physical existence, and subsequently, our love relationships.

There are three definitions of oblivion that I find relevant:
1. the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening
2. the state of being forgotten, especially by the public
3. extinction

The second definition is the predominant definition the movie refers back to. The male protagonist, Gus, mentions that his greatest fear is being forgotten, to live his life without leaving behind a legacy.  Like many others, his ideal self is a hero, a survivor of cancer who lives on bringing hope to the world.  The female protagonist, Hazel, views oblivion as unavoidable.  Just like how our physical existence for only a short moment, our legacies, no matter how great, will all perish and be forgotten over time.  And, with this fear, comes an underlying fear that we will be forgotten by those whom we love.

However, it's the other two definitions that I find interesting.  The third could be interchanged with the second because we could ask the question: "What is extinction?"  You may define it scientifically, or maybe as "dying out" or "disappearance."  But, when it comes to humans, what does the term "extinction" refer to?  I think, for a person to become truly extinct, not only must he or she physically cease to exist, but he or she must also cease to exist in the memories of those who remain, or the second definition.

What about the first definition?  How can we relate this to the film, or even more broadly to life and romance?  It's not a coincidence that the the author chooses to use cancer as an important motif.  Actually, motif might be an understatement as cancer is what ironically brings and holds everything together.  It is out Hazel meets Gus, and how these two come to terms with the questions and obstacles they face throughout the movie.  In one way, you can view cancer as the male antagonist, but in others, it's the glue that holds the story together.  But, how does cancer work? How did it afflict both protagonists?  The answer is simple; cancer latched on to them long before they were aware or conscious of its presence.  As a result, by the time it went diagnosed, it had already done significant damage to their bodies.  In fact, cancer is often referred to as a silent killer.  This is where the first definition comes in.  When our bodies are afflicted with an illness like cancer, we find ourselves becoming strangers to our own body, unaware of what's taking place within us and how much more our bodies can take or how much longer we can last.

So, how does the movie address this issue of oblivion?  How do the protagonists address this fear?

It's ironic, but it's the hopeful Gus that falls apart in the end, and the pessimistic Hazel that provides the answer to the question (whether the answer is sufficient, that's up to you to decide).  While Gus copes with the realization that his fear might indeed become a reality, Hazel reminds him that he was never going to achieve his dream, but at the same time, she questions that whether or not he is missing something greater.  Yes, he won't leave behind this great legacy that he had hoped, but at the same time, no, he will not be forgotten.  He won't become completely extinct because he will be remembered by those who loved him.

I wondered if anyone picked up on the significance of Anne Frank in this movie because her story is a perfect example.  You can call it an allegory, an analogy or even foreshadowing, but her death, although seemingly insignificant at the time ended up becoming one of the defining moments of the Holocaust.  No matter how great the pain and injustice, she found a way to cope with it, and ultimately, her story was not forgotten.  I'm not saying the cancer can be compared to the Holocaust, but one cannot forget that this idea of life being unjust was brought up in an intimate conversation between Gus and Hazel that takes place in Amsterdam, and in the end, just like how Anne Frank's story was not forgotten, so was this love story between Hazel and Gus, because we as an audience will remember it (even though it is fictional).

This brings us to the final point I want to make.  That is the title of the story: The Fault in Our Stars.  Stars is another interesting motif in the story.  From the title scene to the ending scene, the movie starts and ends with Hazel looking at the stars (actually the story is told almost like a flashback, through the eyes of Hazel).  But, what does the title mean?  It seems as though stars is referring to fate, or at least the most obvious conclusion for me is that.  However, I hate to think that the answer is that simple.  After all, stars also come up again during their romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant, as they have their first sips of champagne, where the waiter says, "Do you know what Dom Perignon said after inventing champagne?... He called out to his fellow monks, 'Come quickly: I am tasting the stars'." And later, when Gus mentions how they will need more champagne, the waiter responds, "We have bottled all the stars this evening, my young friends."  At this moment, everything seems to be going well.  I would say that this is probably the high point in their relationship, and it is almost as if, all the stars are in their reach.  Cancer, death, and oblivion all were forgotten in this single moment where the only thing that matters is each other's presence.

However, in a twisted turn of events, everything goes south.  It starts with their horrible meeting with Peter Van Houten, who both Gus and Hazel had idolized, but who also becomes the drunk, cynical, sarcastic and arguable heartless author who seems to care little about the feelings of others.  It was this author that also stated something that goes along the lines of, "Pain...it demands to be felt." And, I believe, shortly following this scene, we see the meaning behind this statement.  After all, no matter how joyous their time in Amsterdam was, Hazel and Gus have to face the reality that both of them are suffering from cancer, and that Gus may only have a short time left before he has to face his fear of oblivion.  And in those moments, we see just how excruciating pain can be, from Gus's breakdown to Hazel's grief.  But, it's interesting how Hazel returns back to the simple message found hanging on the wall at Gus's home, "Without pain, we wouldn't know joy."  The movie downplays these words as typical comforting words, but I wonder, with Hazel, referring back to them during her eulogy for Gus if these words actually meant more to both Gus and her.  Although she felt the greatest pain of her life when she lost Gus, it is also true that through loving him, she gained an unforgettable joy and cherished memories.

I think Hazel's father summarizes everything well when he says, "It was sure a privilege to love him, huh?" How often to we view love as a privilege, especially in the face of great tragedy.  But, I believe that the story leads to this exact conclusion.  This isn't a sad story, or a classic Shakespeare tragedy, but rather, it's a memoir.  It's a love story that emphasizes the moment.  While there may have been fault in their stars, for the moment they were together, all the stars were within their reach.

I know that my thoughts are disorganized, but I wanted to write down whatever I could while the film was still fresh in my mind.  I will considering edit this when I have more time to organize my thoughts together.  In the end, this movie really surprised me, and I would actually recommend this movie to people of all ages, not just to teenage girls.

A long awaited update...Day 1: Sushi, Storms, and Pokemon?

It's been too long since my last post on this blog, but I don't feel like recounting the missed time so I'm just going to act like I was blogging the whole time and start from today.

What does sushi, storms, and Pokemon have in common? Well...it sums up Day 1 for me at Myrtle Beach.

Myrtle Beach was a spontaneous trip my parents decided on going to for family vacation Summer 2011, with a little suggestion from me. Let's sum up day one:

7:30 AM : Roll out of bed

7:30 AM : 8:30 - Packing

8:30 AM : Stuffing the minivan

9:00 AM : Departure

3:00 PM : Arrive at Myrtle Beach

(9:00 AM - 3:00 PM : Long car ride consisting of sleeping and well...a good old Pokemon game...)

3:oo PM - 5:00 PM : Waiting to get into hotel (After making reservations for 3:00 PM, we get there to find out our room isn't ready...we end up waiting 2 hours only to have our original room switched...)

5:00 PM - 5:30 PM : Getting settled in hotel

5:30 PM - 6:00 PM : Shopping at Food Lion for food for the week

6:00 PM - 8:00 PM : Dinner at Kono Asian Grill & Hibachi (A Japanese Hibachi restaurant - The wait was terrible but the food was amazing)

We ordered:

Appetizers:

Crispy Calamari (Definitely Recommend)

Vegetable Spring Rolls

(Came free, but wouldn't recommend otherwise)

(some kind of sushi...forgot the name, but it was pretty good...)

Entrees:

Vegetable Udon

(Recommend - Good vegetarian option for sure)

Hibachi Vegetables

(Recommend, but there was a bit too much butter)

Hibachi Chicken & Shrimp

(Recommend - I enjoyed this dish thoroughly)

Teriyaki Beef

(Definitely Recommend - Decent portion and delicious)

Sides:

Miso Soup

(Comes free with most entrees; overall good)

Like I said, the food was great and our server was really nice, but there was quite a long wait for our dishes to come out. If you have time and aren't too hungry, I would definitely recommend this place. I felt for me, the food was worth the wait. Here's their website for a menu:

http://www.konohibachiandsushibar.com/

8:00 PM - 11:00 PM - Chill at the apartment; at ~8:00 PM right as we were leaving the restaurant, there was a pretty intense storm with heavy winds, heavy rain, thunder and lightning. As intense as it was though, look at it from a distance, it was gorgeous. Looking out from my window balcony, you could see the sky light up yellow and red from the lightning flashes, streaking like brief flames in the gray, cloud-covered night sky.

All and all, a good day, I guess. Like waiting for food in a restaurant, the wait was frustrating, but at the end of the day, it was worth the wait. Sometimes a bit of patience can go a long way.

- Y.L.

Music Ramblings

So, David Choi's new album just came out! It's titled: By My Side...and...I absolutely adore it. When he came to UVa to perform...it was absolutely amazing. I actually was able to meet him, talk to him, and get his autograph! But yea, so information about the album:

By My Side (Track Listing)

1. Better You

2. By My Side

3. That Girl

4. You Can Win

5. Uneasy

6. A Dream

7. This is a Way

8. Amy Ave

9. Heaven’s Ease

10. Deserve to Be

11. So Weightless

12. What Do You Know

Here is a music video for one of the new songs off his album titled, "That Girl."

"The ones we love tend to stay in our hearts and minds long after the relationship ends. While some move on quickly, others dwell and heal at a slower pace. Whatever the case, the thoughts, emotions and memories we experience during this time are heartwrenchingly powerful and real."

Another recent song obsession of mine is AJ Rafael's song, "When We Say (Juicebox)." The MV for it is pretty cute as well.

Here's the MV on Youtube!

"Love and relationships are never like the movies no matter how much we want them to be. But when something beautiful ends, for whatever reason, it's most important not to be disappointed that it's over, but glad that it happened at all."

I love how WongFu Productions always adds those little captions at the bottom of the music videos. They are quite the words of wisdom.

Rain's Symphony

It's raining again. I can hear the droplets as they sound off like a orchestra before their performance. Each of the droplets play make a different sound as they fall on the various pieces that bring this scenery I see outside my window together. Maybe this is what its like to be blind. Maybe vision is overrated. Sometimes one can paint pictures with sound alone.

First year of college is officially over. All that has happened has slowly passed by and become memories. Some memories were delightful, yet there were other painful ones as well. Some memories, I want to cherish for a lifetime, yet there are also those I want to fade into the distance. But with every new memory, there holds another life lesson; I've learned quite a few of those this past year. With each new life lesson, I feel as though I'm an slowly being molded into what I believe to be God's own symphony. Each lesson God is trying to show me is like the cascading raindrops falling on leaves, roofs, and roads. Just like how these little raindrops can come together to create a chorus that is both loud yet beautiful, God places us in little scenarios that when linked together can truly change a person. It's truly inspiring to think about things that way. It's really makes a person appreciate all of God's creation a bit more. Sometimes, I really just have to sit back and marvel at all the beauty I see around me, and feel humbled at God's awesomeness.

Here's a quote I found about rain:

"Ever wonder why we find rain relaxing or beautiful? Perhaps it is because rain brings life. To the fields, crops and land. It brings back the green, keeps it going so to speak. Maybe it is entwined within our genetics to know this, to bring a sense of peace, that everything will be ok. That the food will grow and that will help us survive. This is surely what our ancestors thought and knew, so it surely is within us."

Spring Rain!

"It's been so long since the last entry. There are many things I forgot to mention in my last entry as well.

To be honest, the scenery from my window is not as gorgeous as I would have imagined or wanted it to be. Currently, as I glimpse outside, I see a dark sky covered with clouds, hiding the moon and all its beauty. I can see nothing in the darkness but the dim porch lights of the houses in my neighborhood and their reflection in the puddles scattered among the seemingly invisible road. This was the aftermath of a storm, signaling the beginning of a new season.

While driving back from a dinner party earlier tonight, I found myself amidst this storm. Rain came pouring down like a waterfall, bombarding my car with so much water that even my windshield wipers were rendered "not very effective." Even with my headlights on, the road before me was barely visible; I could only see a few meters in front of my car. However, one thing I do remember seeing was this bright flash that streaked across the sky, seemingly ripping the sky into two pieces. Even though I could see almost nothing due to the downpour, this flash was as visible as headlights of the car tailgating me. I was so focused on the road ahead that this flash took my by surprise. But at the same time, that brief glance left a very big impression in my memory. I can barely remember anything else that took place in the fifteen minute drive back home.

For me, this storm was almost as if the sky was breaking down. The rain falling from the sky were the sky's tears, and the rumbling thunder that shook earth was the sky's cry. Together, it symbolized a change. For the first time, I felt as though spring was coming soon. Even though I dread spring due to allergies, spring truly is the season of change, and I truly need a lot of change in my life.

Currently, my life reflects much of what I see out my window. It is dark and gloomy. Family, friends, and school are all becoming part of this weight that is holding me down. It is becoming harder and harder to handle everything, and oftentimes, I find myself handling the situation inappropriately.

Recently, my family has been going through a lot of problems. The problems isn't from money issues, but rather from interfamily conflicts that are weakening the fragile bonds holding us together. Even though I've only been going for a short amount of time, much as changed in my family chemistry. The communication that was once there has been replaced with criticism and self-reliance. Although I hate to blame the problems on one single person, I feel that much of negativity was largely due to my father. Although I truly love and admire my father, especially since he was the one who raised me as a child, I don't know what to say or how to defend his recent actions. While on one hand, I want whats best for the family, on the other hand, I still really respect my father."

Wow everything above was a draft I had never published. I wrote it sometime in March? I'm going to post this and add another.

Avatar (2009) & The Island (2005)

Recently I watched two sci-fi movies, Avatar and The Island. I enjoyed both movies, but Avatar was definitely the better of the two. However, for both movies, the plot really hit on some very important scenes. They both questioned me and made me think about the world in general. One made me reexamine the importance of our world and its cultures, and both made me reexamine our humanity.

The Island, a 2005 film directed by Michael Bay starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, is set in the year 2019. Ewan McGregor plays a character named Lincoln Six Echo and Scarlett Johansson plays Jordan Two Delta. Both characters are part of this mini-world created by Dr. Merrick (played by Sean Bean). In this world, hidden from the “real” world, clones of people are manufactured to be the “insurance policy” of the real people in the real world. The client pays to have his clone made so that in case of any medical issue or problem the clone can replace the real person, giving him a fresh new set of organs.

However, in the mini-world, the clones have no idea of what’s happening. They were created to believe that there was some sort of contamination outside of the facility, and that they have to stay inside the facility to remain safe. However, to instill in each of the members a sense of hope, Mr. Merrick imprints in each of the clone’s brains an imaginary utopia known as the “Island.” This island is supposed be the only remaining place on the world untouched by the contamination. Each day people are picked via a supposedly random lottery to go to this imaginary island. However in reality, it just means that they are being sent to the E.R. to be hacked up to deliver the necessary organs to their client as the insurance policy of their client.

Therefore Dr. Merrick is creating this illusionary world in which he becomes the god. He instills, imprints, in the people he creates a false world. As the creator, he gets to do as he pleases with everything in his control. He deceives not only those he creates, but also his clients as he tells them that their clones are void of any emotion when in reality, they have and feel the same emotions humans have and feel. I won’t go into the details of the plot, but from just the setting, many questions came arose in my mind.

Science is truly an awe-inspiring, yet scary field. Are humans truly capable of creating clones? Are we trying to become God by creating life? It truly frightens me when I try to think about what science can do. Even now, with each coming day we are advancing more and more in the field of science. The many diseases that were once life-threatening are now often curable by a shot or pill. As we find ways to improve our health, people are living longer and longer, with the average life expectancy now that doubles that 100 years ago.

One of the lines of the movies that really hit me was the line, “People will do anything to survive. I just want to live.” For the sake of a longer life, will people truly go as far as Dr. Merrick did? Are we trying to be God by extending our lifespan? As an inspiring Doctor, these questions really shook me. Science has the ability to save lives, yet at the same time, it fundamentally challenges religion, a clash that has gone on for centuries.

Another part that really got me thinking was when Dr. Merrick mentioned how without emotion, none of the clones could survive, so therefore it was necessary to give them emotion. He also mentioned how it was to instill fear within the people’s mind by making up the contamination scenario. This keeps the clones from wanting to go outside. Fear holds them back and keeps their curiosity in check. The other import element of Dr. Merrick’s world is the lottery system and the “Island.” The clones believe that the lottery system is truly random and that people are chosen randomly to go to the utopian “Island.” This reward system provides the clones with a sense of hope that allows them to continue on living each day with a purpose.

There are so many parallels that can be made from this movie, but I think I am going to leave it here. I haven’t really sorted out all the questions myself. But, really, despite how the movie was a big flop at the box office, it was actually quite good.

Now, the movie Avatar directed by James Cameron, the famed director of Titanic, the highest-grossing film of all time, was nothing sort of amazing. Despite being released only a few weeks ago, the movie has already become the second highest-grossing film. The 3-D graphics stunned many as Cameron really placed viewers in the middle of his dream world, Pandora. I was completely captivated by the beauty of this untouched world. I loved the intricateness of each of the creatures and the plethora of plants that gave Pandora the feel of a jungle. Both the animals and plants colored Pandora in cool colors that light up even at light from bioluminescence. It was just amazing to be able to take a glimpse of this world and at the same time, due to the 3-D nature of the movie, feel like you were there as well, walking along side the Na’vi, a race of 8-feet tall, blue, cat-like humanoids. The world that Cameron painted seemed almost believable.

Other than the beauty of James Cameron’s Pandora, the plot itself was very will written. Although the beauty of Pandora might have won my eyes, it was the plot of the movie that ultimately won my heart. The movie is set in the year 2154 on Pandora, a lush, Earth-like moon of the planet Polyphemus. The atmosphere itself is toxic to humans so they need to wear oxygen masks. The people are there in part with this corporation headed by Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) because of this valuable mineral called unobtanium (I love the name) that the corporation is mining for. The avatar program is an attempt to improve relations with the natives by creating human-Na’vi hybrids called avatars that are controlled by genetically matched human operators. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic former marine, becomes a last-minute replacement for his murdered identical twin brother, a scientist trained to be an avatar operator. As Jake finds himself on Pandora, he finds himself in a bunch of conflicts.

In my opinion, the conflicts are what make up the plot of the movie. The main conflict Jake finds himself is an inner struggle of where he stands, his identity. Right off from the start, he finds himself pressured by the science program to fill in the shoes his brother left behind. At the same time, being an ex-marine, he finds himself as Colonel Miles Quaritch’s (Stephen Lang) eyes and ears inside the world of the Na’vi (the natives). Therefore, from the beginning he finds himself in the position of a double agent. One side wants to know the secrets of the Na’vi so that they know how to exploit them and get them out so that the unobtanium can be obtained, while the other side wants to establish and understanding and mutual relationship with the Na’vi by understanding their culture. It’s military/power vs. science/nature.

Later, the conflict becomes humans vs. Na’vi, and Jake finds himself really torn. Now that he’s become a member of the Na’vi, he understands much more about their way of life and their unique culture. The deeper he goes and the more he understands, the more painful it becomes for him to continue to help Colonel Quaritch. When he witnesses destruction firsthand when the bulldozers come in and destroy the Na’vi’s sacred Trees of Souls. He finds himself very conflicted, his humanity vs. his avatar. As the story progresses, and as war becomes almost inevitable, Jake has to choose a side, and it is this internal struggle that I believe makes this story stand out.

As the storyline progresses on, loyalties become muddled, a love story across races begins, and the ultimate clash between human and nature is observed. I found that the film was really critical of human nature, and our one-sided relationship with nature. The humans are portrayed as money and power thirsty people willing to destroy the way of life, culture, and home of another species in order for unobtanium. If you replace unobtanium with the various things from nature such as oil, ivory, wood, etc., the story isn’t really much different. In the future, James Cameron’s portrayal could very well be very much true. In terms of power, Colonel Quaritch is a character that embodies the typical power-thirsty leader, willing to use all means to gain victory, just like how mankind can resort to wars, violence, and acts of terrorism for power, land, and money.

Therefore, after watching the movie, not only was I in awe at the amazing 3-D nature of Pandora, the world that James Cameron creates, but also I felt quite conflicted and convicted as well. I began to think back to all I’ve learned in environmental science and all I’ve heard all over about habitat destruction, global warming, and violence. I began to question my own humanity and think about the many times where I committed wrong acts in order to gain some sense of power, whether it be some competition or better performance in school. Although I am happy to admit that I haven’t faced many of these moments, the movie Avatar by James Cameron definitely made me more aware of my nature and of humanity in general. Although I want to believe that we are all good people in heart, there are inevitably those that are corrupted by power and will do anything to achieve more of it.

So, at the conclusion of my analysis, a few more final questions came up.

Who am I? What is my identity? (With what and who do I identify myself with?) What can I do to prevent myself from becoming power-thirsty? Where do I stand when it comes to science, medicine and religion? What are my boundaries?

These questions might sound funny, but they are questions that have seriously boggled me. I don’t know if I will ever know exactly who I am or where I stand, but I would like to at least be able to understand myself better and figure out my boundaries (or the range within which I stand) when it comes to the tough questions over ethics, morality, life, and religion.

Note: I use religion in a broad sense throughout this entry because the problems and questions could apply to all religions, but for me the specific religion is Christianity.

First Post - The Scenery from the Window

The name from my blog came from a simple song by Yiruma. Yiruma has always been one of my favorite music artists. His compositions and piano pieces are extremely beautiful and touching. They are the means by which I study, relax, and fall asleep. Why this song? I'm not sure. It's a song that I've always liked, but to be honest, I think I picked it because of its name, "Scenery From My Window." Although the song might be just simply describing a person looking out of his or her window, observing the outside world, just like anything else, the name of the song could also be taken in another perspective.

Life moves so fast. Everyone says that life is short so you have to live it to the fullest. Many people take this to mean that they need to get out there and do as much as they can before they eventually succumb to the one inevitable thing, death. *Shudders*. Even after all this time the word "death" still seems to run chills from my bone and worries through my heart. Anyways, back to the point. I feel that most people interpret the phrase "live life to the fullest" wrong. How can you live life to the fullest if you are just rushing everything, trying to do as much as you can? I find it impossible. To live life to the fullest, you need to relax and well, take time to look out your window and mind your surroundings. The more you focus on your future and what you have to do, the quicker everything seems to pass. Then, you will think to yourself, "When did I get so old? What was the purpose of my life?" (Many of those tough and hard questions everyone eventually has to deal with.) Dreams are important, but so is the process of reaching your dreams.

After witnessing how fast my first semester of college has past me by, everything seems to finally hit me. What have I done this past semester with my life? I feel like, now that everything is over, I should take some time to reflect on the highs and lows of my first semester. I thought that I would sit on my window sill and reflect back on the scenery surrounding the first semester of my first year here at college.

Overall, I have enjoyed the college experience. I've met so many more people that it feels almost as though I am moving to a different city, well...technically I did move to a different city, but its just the feeling that you are the new guy in the neighborhood. It was a new experience and the first time I've been able to meet so many different and interesting people. The independence of college was also something that hit me rather soon. For once in my life, I had to do my own laundry, and I had no one else but myself to blame if my clothes all ended up shrinking because I washed them all in hot water. I had to be my own nutritionist, alarm clock, and motivator. Mom's no longer around to wake me up and to tell me to eat more vegetables. Dad's no longer around to lecture me about getting good grades. I had to learn to do all that myself. I seriously felt like kid on their first day of school, letting go of mom's hand and stepping on the big, yellow school bus for the first time. I was both excited and anxious, ready yet nervous at the same time.

At first I was unsure if picking my roommate was the best choice. But, during those first few days, I was so happy that I knew at least one person and that I was alone. I felt like that was comfort for me because as first years, we both were going through the same emotions, and the fact that we were friends helped us cope through it. Trust me, there were many a nights where I felt sad and depressed to the point I would ask myself, "What am I doing here?" Listening to my roommate snore/sleep talk would always help alleviate some of the worry and make me smile a bit. Ahh...I just can't help but recall when my roommate yelled in the middle of the night, "I'M SO CONFUSED!" I wonder why he said that, but for some old reason, I felt the same way. When I would study so hard and fail a test or when I would spend hours on a paper to end up with a mediocre grade, I would sit and wonder, where did it all go wrong?

This is where I enter the more technical part of the discussion: Grades. Oh how I loathe the fact that people these days are defined by a set of numbers, GPA, AP Scores, test scores, MCATs, etc. The list continues on. One of the things I wished for at the end of my first semester is a higher GPA. I wish I had worked harder in math and read the readings in Chemistry. Maybe I should have studied rather than spend my time online or watching movies with friends. I think this hits me the most now, now that some of my test scores are out. I just can't help but ask myself that question again, where did it all go wrong? I thought had understood it all. But, as it turns out, I really didn't. All those hours I spent reading the textbook, looking over my notes, doing extra practice problems and previous exams were all for nothing. My grade didn't get any better, but rather worse. It's funny too. Even all the way till I finished the exam, I thought I understood everything. Walking out, I thought I was golden, like a man who had just won first place. Calling my mom, I was like, the test was so easy. Funny, she even asked me are you sure that it was easy rather than you just thinking it was easy? It turns out, the "easy" was probably because I was doing everything wrong. That's what makes everything worse. I don't know where I went wrong. I felt so confident, but now, I feel so hopeless and lost. I even asked my friend a few days prior to the exam, what feels worse, knowing you did bad and getting a bad score, or thinking you did good only to be dealt with a bad score? It turns out, the latter felt a lot worse for me.

I guess over this long break, I will have some time to rebuild my shattered confidence. First years has had one too many moments where my confidence has been shattered. The many failures from Honor Council to First Year Leadership Experience to PAFN Executive Board to APALTI to even scholarship, everything has ended up in failure for me. One of the funny things is that each time I would make it past the first round. That in itself gave me the confidence to face the second round, but each time in the second round, I would be cut. I really need to get better at interviews.

So with all this said, I need to make a few goals for myself this break.

One, patch up my life and my confidence. I need to spend my time looking out at the scenery from my window. Hopefully this entry will represent my reflection on the past. Now its time to move on. Instead of reflecting on the scenery surrounding the first semester, I need to look out at the scenery of the present and be ready (emotionally and mentally) to take on what is to come.

Second, fix my sleeping/eating habits.

Exam week...college has really messed up my sleep and eating habits. Going to bed at 4am and eating dinner at like 9 or 10 is definitely not the way to go. I find myself skipping way too many breakfasts because I am in a rush to get to class. Now that I have an 8am class next semester, I definitely need to start going to bed early.

Third, get ahead. I need to start preparing for my classes next semester now. Especially if I want to succeed. If I can get myself ahead now, maybe I c

an be more confident when I tackle on all the same problems next semester. Hopefully, by then, my confidence will be backed by the right knowledge.

Fourth, hang out with old friends. I realized recently that nothing makes you feel better more than being able to see and talk to hold buddies. I can't wait to get together with the gang again to go on our outings to the mall, movies, bowling, skating, etc.

Hopefully, the mix of these four things will allow me to prep myself for what is to come during the spring. Until my next entry...

- YZL

Oh, by the way, for the first time, we got snow!! Yay! Lots of snow! Here are a couple of pictures I took of the snow surrounding my house.