The name from my blog came from a simple song by Yiruma. Yiruma has always been one of my favorite music artists. His compositions and piano pieces are extremely beautiful and touching. They are the means by which I study, relax, and fall asleep. Why this song? I'm not sure. It's a song that I've always liked, but to be honest, I think I picked it because of its name, "Scenery From My Window." Although the song might be just simply describing a person looking out of his or her window, observing the outside world, just like anything else, the name of the song could also be taken in another perspective.
Life moves so fast. Everyone says that life is short so you have to live it to the fullest. Many people take this to mean that they need to get out there and do as much as they can before they eventually succumb to the one inevitable thing, death. *Shudders*. Even after all this time the word "death" still seems to run chills from my bone and worries through my heart. Anyways, back to the point. I feel that most people interpret the phrase "live life to the fullest" wrong. How can you live life to the fullest if you are just rushing everything, trying to do as much as you can? I find it impossible. To live life to the fullest, you need to relax and well, take time to look out your window and mind your surroundings. The more you focus on your future and what you have to do, the quicker everything seems to pass. Then, you will think to yourself, "When did I get so old? What was the purpose of my life?" (Many of those tough and hard questions everyone eventually has to deal with.) Dreams are important, but so is the process of reaching your dreams.
After witnessing how fast my first semester of college has past me by, everything seems to finally hit me. What have I done this past semester with my life? I feel like, now that everything is over, I should take some time to reflect on the highs and lows of my first semester. I thought that I would sit on my window sill and reflect back on the scenery surrounding the first semester of my first year here at college.
Overall, I have enjoyed the college experience. I've met so many more people that it feels almost as though I am moving to a different city, well...technically I did move to a different city, but its just the feeling that you are the new guy in the neighborhood. It was a new experience and the first time I've been able to meet so many different and interesting people. The independence of college was also something that hit me rather soon. For once in my life, I had to do my own laundry, and I had no one else but myself to blame if my clothes all ended up shrinking because I washed them all in hot water. I had to be my own nutritionist, alarm clock, and motivator. Mom's no longer around to wake me up and to tell me to eat more vegetables. Dad's no longer around to lecture me about getting good grades. I had to learn to do all that myself. I seriously felt like kid on their first day of school, letting go of mom's hand and stepping on the big, yellow school bus for the first time. I was both excited and anxious, ready yet nervous at the same time.
At first I was unsure if picking my roommate was the best choice. But, during those first few days, I was so happy that I knew at least one person and that I was alone. I felt like that was comfort for me because as first years, we both were going through the same emotions, and the fact that we were friends helped us cope through it. Trust me, there were many a nights where I felt sad and depressed to the point I would ask myself, "What am I doing here?" Listening to my roommate snore/sleep talk would always help alleviate some of the worry and make me smile a bit. Ahh...I just can't help but recall when my roommate yelled in the middle of the night, "I'M SO CONFUSED!" I wonder why he said that, but for some old reason, I felt the same way. When I would study so hard and fail a test or when I would spend hours on a paper to end up with a mediocre grade, I would sit and wonder, where did it all go wrong?
This is where I enter the more technical part of the discussion: Grades. Oh how I loathe the fact that people these days are defined by a set of numbers, GPA, AP Scores, test scores, MCATs, etc. The list continues on. One of the things I wished for at the end of my first semester is a higher GPA. I wish I had worked harder in math and read the readings in Chemistry. Maybe I should have studied rather than spend my time online or watching movies with friends. I think this hits me the most now, now that some of my test scores are out. I just can't help but ask myself that question again, where did it all go wrong? I thought had understood it all. But, as it turns out, I really didn't. All those hours I spent reading the textbook, looking over my notes, doing extra practice problems and previous exams were all for nothing. My grade didn't get any better, but rather worse. It's funny too. Even all the way till I finished the exam, I thought I understood everything. Walking out, I thought I was golden, like a man who had just won first place. Calling my mom, I was like, the test was so easy. Funny, she even asked me are you sure that it was easy rather than you just thinking it was easy? It turns out, the "easy" was probably because I was doing everything wrong. That's what makes everything worse. I don't know where I went wrong. I felt so confident, but now, I feel so hopeless and lost. I even asked my friend a few days prior to the exam, what feels worse, knowing you did bad and getting a bad score, or thinking you did good only to be dealt with a bad score? It turns out, the latter felt a lot worse for me.
I guess over this long break, I will have some time to rebuild my shattered confidence. First years has had one too many moments where my confidence has been shattered. The many failures from Honor Council to First Year Leadership Experience to PAFN Executive Board to APALTI to even scholarship, everything has ended up in failure for me. One of the funny things is that each time I would make it past the first round. That in itself gave me the confidence to face the second round, but each time in the second round, I would be cut. I really need to get better at interviews.
So with all this said, I need to make a few goals for myself this break.
One, patch up my life and my confidence. I need to spend my time looking out at the scenery from my window. Hopefully this entry will represent my reflection on the past. Now its time to move on. Instead of reflecting on the scenery surrounding the first semester, I need to look out at the scenery of the present and be ready (emotionally and mentally) to take on what is to come.
Second, fix my sleeping/eating habits.
Exam week...college has really messed up my sleep and eating habits. Going to bed at 4am and eating dinner at like 9 or 10 is definitely not the way to go. I find myself skipping way too many breakfasts because I am in a rush to get to class. Now that I have an 8am class next semester, I definitely need to start going to bed early.
Third, get ahead. I need to start preparing for my classes next semester now. Especially if I want to succeed. If I can get myself ahead now, maybe I c
an be more confident when I tackle on all the same problems next semester. Hopefully, by then, my confidence will be backed by the right knowledge.
Fourth, hang out with old friends. I realized recently that nothing makes you feel better more than being able to see and talk to hold buddies. I can't wait to get together with the gang again to go on our outings to the mall, movies, bowling, skating, etc.
Hopefully, the mix of these four things will allow me to prep myself for what is to come during the spring. Until my next entry...
- YZL
Oh, by the way, for the first time, we got snow!! Yay! Lots of snow! Here are a couple of pictures I took of the snow surrounding my house.
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